Change is in the Air

Well, I've decided to take up blogging. I made a weak attempt at it when I was first home from Cervical Fusion surgery. As most of you who know me are aware, I journal everyday, believing in the magic of the pen. It is as if God Himself is speaking to me through the ink.

So much going on, yet I feel so unproductive lately. I'm on Workmen's Comp Disability still, as I deal with managing and accepting chronic pain. Part of my struggle is anger...as the pain doctor told me that had he seen me shortly after surgery, my pain would have not gotten to the point it has. That point is that pain is always, always present - 24/7, 365. I am on a new medicine, Nucynta, which does help, but a typical day brings with it a pain level of 6. Some days are much worse.

Chronic pain has changed me - it has robbed me of many things that used to bring me joy. Shopping, of which I was an Olympian at, is no longer fun, as just walking around the mall raises my pain level. Jewelry making, which I love, is hard due to looking down and also having to use my right wrist, which was repaired surgically. I have been making some jewelry for a show next week to benefit Cole Jackson, a 15 year old battling for his life against cancer. I've been using my left hand for the tedious part, and that adds to the length of time it takes to create a piece.

I can no longer lift more than 5 pounds - which isn't much. I can't run any longer, do any high impact aerobics like Jazzercise that I once loved, ride roller coasters, etc. The list goes on and on.
Life as I knew and enjoyed it stopped May 5, 1999. I am creating a new life, much like navigating unchartered waters. I have no idea where I'm going.

Yet through it all, there has been so many blessings, too numerous to count, and I don't mean to sound negative. Most importantly, I have never been closer to God. I believe God allows us to suffer so we can realize His strength. He has been my provider, comforter, healer, guider, sounding board, best friend, and proves His faithfulness to me every single day. Thanks be to God for my suffering.

Today is a gift, my next heartbeat is a gift....Thank you, Father for that awareness.