Yesterday here in Oklahoma, the weather was cold, windy and cloudy. Winds were howling out of the north at 35mph, and with a high temperature of only 44, the wind chills were in the teens. It was literally bone chilling cold, and my bones were chilled! Today, however, the winds are calm, the sun is shining brightly, and there is not a cloud in the sky. Our weather changes here in Oklahoma are sometimes sudden and dramatic. I'm grateful for those changes, because it always makes me realize the power of God. With a whisper, he can send forth such powerful forces of nature. He is indeed large, and in charge.
I am now selling Scentsy. www. mmarshall5.scentsy.us. It is something I can do that is not physically demanding, the product is incredible, and I'm in charge of my success. There are many business opportunities like Scentsy, that is direct-selling. I chose this because I love the product!
The holidays are looming, and plans are uncertain so far. The kids all have significant others now, and being from a divorced family automatically pulls them in different directions. I remember how stressful it was as a newly married person trying to please both families. When Rick and I divorced, I vowed that I would never add the the stress the kids did not sign up for. So whatever works out, will be just as it is supposed to be! I sure do miss my parents at the holidays, and I am grateful for the wonderful memories they made for me. I know they are right here beside me in spirit, but I miss them being here physically.
Off to work on my Scentsy website!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Monday, Monday
It's cold, rainy and dreary here today. The weather is waging war on my pain, and the weather is winning as of right now.
The weekend was good. Of course, for me right now, there is not much difference between weekdays and weekends, except that all my friends are working M-F. Loneliness and isolation have become part of my life, though I do get out every day just to be around people. Coming to the library to use the computer is good for me because I can people watch, therby entertain myself, all the while working on the computer! I'm amazed at how many people use their alloted hour here watching music videos. Huh?
Trying to nail down and finalize the decision to move to Dallas. I feel good about that choice, its the details that bog me down. The thought of the physical part of moving is overwhelming. I know it will be a slow process due to my limitations, but I also know I can count on an army of friends to help me. I have to find a job and housing, which is hard to do long distance.
I go to the hand specialist tomorrow to restart the process of fixing my right hand and wrist that was injured during "the great fall" period. I have paid out of pocket for all the expenses related to my hand because WC refused to pay for it until now...a year later. Geez.....this WC system is broken badly and unfortunately its the hurting people that must suffer through it. I could go on and on about this subject, but I will spare you my rantings.
Off to enjoy the book I just checked out from the library, and the rain gently falling outside.
The weekend was good. Of course, for me right now, there is not much difference between weekdays and weekends, except that all my friends are working M-F. Loneliness and isolation have become part of my life, though I do get out every day just to be around people. Coming to the library to use the computer is good for me because I can people watch, therby entertain myself, all the while working on the computer! I'm amazed at how many people use their alloted hour here watching music videos. Huh?
Trying to nail down and finalize the decision to move to Dallas. I feel good about that choice, its the details that bog me down. The thought of the physical part of moving is overwhelming. I know it will be a slow process due to my limitations, but I also know I can count on an army of friends to help me. I have to find a job and housing, which is hard to do long distance.
I go to the hand specialist tomorrow to restart the process of fixing my right hand and wrist that was injured during "the great fall" period. I have paid out of pocket for all the expenses related to my hand because WC refused to pay for it until now...a year later. Geez.....this WC system is broken badly and unfortunately its the hurting people that must suffer through it. I could go on and on about this subject, but I will spare you my rantings.
Off to enjoy the book I just checked out from the library, and the rain gently falling outside.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
A Dreary Day
Ah, yes, the weather is changing. It's cold and dreary here, raining too. A great day to be inside with the crock pot cooking, candles burning, and old movies on TV. In my normal life, I would be at work, but I have been given this gift of pain that has forced me inside.
My little apartment is humble, but my home is happy! When married, I had a beautiful, big home, full of furniture, nice appliances, and nice cars in the garage. But I was terribly unhappy, and terribly alone. I am so much happier without all that "stuff". Stuff is nice, don't get me wrong. I became a shop-a-holic in an attempt to fill the hold inside me. In doing so, I did terrible damage to my marriage, for which I am eternally sorry. I have been divorced now 14 years...it has been a journey. I want to be a homemaker again and be a wife, if that is God's plan for me. If not, being single is fantastic!
Today is Veteran's Day, and I am reminded of the service my parents gave to this country, as well as my Godfather. Mom and Daddy were both in the Army, as a matter of fact, that's how they met. They were stationed in Germany during WWII, and eventually married there. So many others have given their lives, whether in service, or in death, so I can have the freedom to sit here and blog. Wow. I take so much for granted just because I live in this great country. What a gift.
My little apartment is humble, but my home is happy! When married, I had a beautiful, big home, full of furniture, nice appliances, and nice cars in the garage. But I was terribly unhappy, and terribly alone. I am so much happier without all that "stuff". Stuff is nice, don't get me wrong. I became a shop-a-holic in an attempt to fill the hold inside me. In doing so, I did terrible damage to my marriage, for which I am eternally sorry. I have been divorced now 14 years...it has been a journey. I want to be a homemaker again and be a wife, if that is God's plan for me. If not, being single is fantastic!
Today is Veteran's Day, and I am reminded of the service my parents gave to this country, as well as my Godfather. Mom and Daddy were both in the Army, as a matter of fact, that's how they met. They were stationed in Germany during WWII, and eventually married there. So many others have given their lives, whether in service, or in death, so I can have the freedom to sit here and blog. Wow. I take so much for granted just because I live in this great country. What a gift.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Windsday
Yes, the Oklahoma winds are sweeping down the plains...and the waving wheat sure smells sweet. One thing said about our weather is so true..."If you don't like it, just wait a minute". We can go from 70 degrees down to 30 degrees in a couple of hours, and this time of year is especially unpredictable. Much like life.
I've had a lot of time off to think, and think, and think some more. I have been given permanent restrictions by my doctors that limit how long I can stand or sit; I can't lift over 5 pounds (try that); and many others. This has already required changes in my life, but as I look at returning to work, I wonder if I will still have a job. Once I am released completely, my boss will be able to say that either he does or doesn't have a place for me to accomodate my restrictions. Very scary. I have been at Classic Tile for almost 10 years. I love, love, love what I do. The business is only 11 years old, so I have seen this business grow into what it is today. Mark Hammond, the owner, has unquestionable business ethics. It is refreshing to work at a place where mistakes are fixed, orders replaced, etc. Customer service is of the upmost importance. Going to be hard to find another place like that if I am forced too.
This uncertainty is troubling, though I do know that God already has everything taken care of. Yet, being single and relying solely on my income makes this sort of trial a little more difficult. I do not have another income, it's just me. I've done fine for 14 years now since my divorce, but my body has been at 100%. I'm about 50% now. Scary.
Life is unfair, and suffering is part of it. This world doesn't owe me a thing, and I'm grateful for every day I've had, even the painful ones. They have all brought me to this moment, this very moment. The future is full of promise and possibility, and since I don't know what it holds, I am standing on the promises of God. All glory to him.
I've had a lot of time off to think, and think, and think some more. I have been given permanent restrictions by my doctors that limit how long I can stand or sit; I can't lift over 5 pounds (try that); and many others. This has already required changes in my life, but as I look at returning to work, I wonder if I will still have a job. Once I am released completely, my boss will be able to say that either he does or doesn't have a place for me to accomodate my restrictions. Very scary. I have been at Classic Tile for almost 10 years. I love, love, love what I do. The business is only 11 years old, so I have seen this business grow into what it is today. Mark Hammond, the owner, has unquestionable business ethics. It is refreshing to work at a place where mistakes are fixed, orders replaced, etc. Customer service is of the upmost importance. Going to be hard to find another place like that if I am forced too.
This uncertainty is troubling, though I do know that God already has everything taken care of. Yet, being single and relying solely on my income makes this sort of trial a little more difficult. I do not have another income, it's just me. I've done fine for 14 years now since my divorce, but my body has been at 100%. I'm about 50% now. Scary.
Life is unfair, and suffering is part of it. This world doesn't owe me a thing, and I'm grateful for every day I've had, even the painful ones. They have all brought me to this moment, this very moment. The future is full of promise and possibility, and since I don't know what it holds, I am standing on the promises of God. All glory to him.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Sleep Deprivation
Funny how a good night's sleep, or lack of it, can make such a difference in lots of ways. I didn't sleep Saturday night much, maybe a couple of hours. Then Sunday night, I didn't sleep at all...not a wink. My body was wracked with pain; some familiar, some new. Since my surgery, I have experienced constant numbness and tingling in my right arm and hand, which can drive a person crazy. Sunday night, I had it in my left arm and hand, and it was very intense. I "lost it", completely lost it, and cried aloud to God, begging for relief and verbalizing my displeasure with the whole thing.
Yesterday was a blur...I was functioning on fumes and the grace of God. My thoughts was to get my errands done yesterday morning, then rest in the afternoon. Great plans, but my body wouldn't rest, couldn't rest. God did grant me a good night's sleep last night. While my pain is no less, my mood is! There are blessings in suffering if we will only open our eyes to them.
The wind is howling today out of the south, and temperatures are supposed to be in the 70's. In typical Oklahoma fashion, however, Friday is forecasted to bring with it a strong cold winter front, and the highs will be in the 40's, accompanied by a cold rain. And what would a day be like without our Oklahoma wind, which will add to the misery.
Much like life, seasons come and seasons go. While finite on a calendar, those seasons can extend or shorten in our life. I feel like I've been in winter since May 5, 2009, the day of the "great fall". I look forward to springtime in my body, which brings hope, and new life. I know spring will come, its the not knowing when that is hard. It may not be on this side of the grass, but at least I have the blessed assurance that there will one day be a place of no more pain, no more tears, no more suffering. I can only imagine......
Yesterday was a blur...I was functioning on fumes and the grace of God. My thoughts was to get my errands done yesterday morning, then rest in the afternoon. Great plans, but my body wouldn't rest, couldn't rest. God did grant me a good night's sleep last night. While my pain is no less, my mood is! There are blessings in suffering if we will only open our eyes to them.
The wind is howling today out of the south, and temperatures are supposed to be in the 70's. In typical Oklahoma fashion, however, Friday is forecasted to bring with it a strong cold winter front, and the highs will be in the 40's, accompanied by a cold rain. And what would a day be like without our Oklahoma wind, which will add to the misery.
Much like life, seasons come and seasons go. While finite on a calendar, those seasons can extend or shorten in our life. I feel like I've been in winter since May 5, 2009, the day of the "great fall". I look forward to springtime in my body, which brings hope, and new life. I know spring will come, its the not knowing when that is hard. It may not be on this side of the grass, but at least I have the blessed assurance that there will one day be a place of no more pain, no more tears, no more suffering. I can only imagine......
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Saturday in Oklahoma City
It is a beautiful, though chilly day here. Not one cloud in the crystal blue sky, not one. I think I've had enough chilly weather, though...I'm ready for shorts and sandals again! Layers of clothing make me a little cranky.
My pain today is bad again....can't figure out any rhyme or reason for escalations in my pain level. Chronic pain, once thought of as a symptom, is now being treated as a disease of the central nervous system. It was explained to me by a doctor that if pain is left untreated, those pain fibers can start a chain reaction in the nerves, and then those nerves are constantly sending pain signals to the brain. If my pain had been treated shortly after surgery, I wouldn't be facing a lifetime of it. But it wasn't, and I can't rewrite history. It is just so exhausting, physically and mentally. It's hard not to be angry at the Workmens Comp system here in Oklahoma for the hell this is putting me through.
There are so many things I can't do any longer, and I'm trying to find other things that bring me joy. I am a go go go person, always have been. Trying to adapt my personality is more difficult than the physical adaptations I've had to make. I don't like being still; I don't like not being able to get out and run; I don't like having to think about every single activity I do, errand I run, position I am in, etc. just to make the pain bearable. Ugh.
Yet, I still am grateful and see the glass as half full. My Mom taught me to live that way. She could absolutely find the silver lining in every single cloud of life. Both she and Daddy also instilled how important it is to have a sense of humor. There is something funny in every situation - even the bleakest. I was blessed to have the parents I did, and I'm grateful God sent me to them.
Now it's off to run a couple of errands, then spend some time with my dear friend, Beth, this evening! Speaking of blessings - she is a big one. Beth is more of a sister than a friend.
Whatever your Saturday holds, may you see the blessings you are showered with today.
My pain today is bad again....can't figure out any rhyme or reason for escalations in my pain level. Chronic pain, once thought of as a symptom, is now being treated as a disease of the central nervous system. It was explained to me by a doctor that if pain is left untreated, those pain fibers can start a chain reaction in the nerves, and then those nerves are constantly sending pain signals to the brain. If my pain had been treated shortly after surgery, I wouldn't be facing a lifetime of it. But it wasn't, and I can't rewrite history. It is just so exhausting, physically and mentally. It's hard not to be angry at the Workmens Comp system here in Oklahoma for the hell this is putting me through.
There are so many things I can't do any longer, and I'm trying to find other things that bring me joy. I am a go go go person, always have been. Trying to adapt my personality is more difficult than the physical adaptations I've had to make. I don't like being still; I don't like not being able to get out and run; I don't like having to think about every single activity I do, errand I run, position I am in, etc. just to make the pain bearable. Ugh.
Yet, I still am grateful and see the glass as half full. My Mom taught me to live that way. She could absolutely find the silver lining in every single cloud of life. Both she and Daddy also instilled how important it is to have a sense of humor. There is something funny in every situation - even the bleakest. I was blessed to have the parents I did, and I'm grateful God sent me to them.
Now it's off to run a couple of errands, then spend some time with my dear friend, Beth, this evening! Speaking of blessings - she is a big one. Beth is more of a sister than a friend.
Whatever your Saturday holds, may you see the blessings you are showered with today.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Praising Him in the Storm
Oh boy, today is not a good day in the pain department. This whole week has been hard. There is more to my life than pain, I promise you, but pain is what dictates what my life looks like each day.
We are starting a new sermon series at church on "Suffering". It seems very timely, as so many people are going through terribly difficult times...illness, disease, surgery, death, job loss, divorce, etc. There are indeed many types of suffering. In preparation for this weeks Sunday School lesson, I've been reading and rereading the scriptures, and what I've come to believe is that God allows suffering so I will learn just how strong He is, that He is indeed the great I AM, that NOTHING is too big for him, that He will NEVER, ever leave nor forsake me. He certainly doesn't have to prove anything to me, but He has proven His faithfulness over and over and over again to me through this nightmare that began May 5, 1999.
Last night at church, our Women's Ministries had another "Taste of Faith" evening....wonderful food, wonderful fellowship, wonderful music, wonderful testimony. It was a God filled evening, and I know He was smiling down on His girls. I am humbled to be in a faith family that oozes love and generosity. Humbled.
I have had many things stripped away from me because of my injury.....including health insurance. My employer has always paid 100% of my premiums, but quit paying them August 1. That hurt deeply. I felt victimized all over again, wondering just how much I have to pay and give up because I was injured while performing one of my my job duties. This is fresh in my mind, because I need my blood pressure medication, as well as others, and simply do not have the hundreds of dollars they cost. My blood pressure rises just thinking about it. Oh well, it is what it is, and I am now one of countless other Americans without health insurance. Sure, I can buy it, but who has an extra $500 monthly when living on disability?
Yet through it all, I praise Him. My situation could be so much worse. I do have a roof over my head, and I have food in the refrigerator. I have friends, true friends, I have the most incredible children on Earth, I have a Godmom and a Godfamily who love me, I have a church home that is my haven. There isn't enough room to list all my blessings.
I have a dear friend, Rhonda, whose 15 year old son, Cole, has been given less than a year to live, due to a recurrence of his rare cancer. What is right about that? Nothing. It is heart wrenching to look in Rhonda's eyes, and through her strong facade, to see the fear and anxiety that dwells in her soul. Yet, she is praising Him through it all. Could I be so faithful? That's a tall order. I feel guilty for complaining about pain.
I've been told by more than one doctor that this pain will be lifelong. Some days better than others. Today is not a good day, but it's not over, and it may get better. The future is uncertain for me in the employment department. My boss may not have a job for me that accomodates my permanent physical restrictions. Then what? I don't know, but God does.
That's enough of my venting for today, on this, the day that my Lord has made; I WILL rejoice and be glad in it.
We are starting a new sermon series at church on "Suffering". It seems very timely, as so many people are going through terribly difficult times...illness, disease, surgery, death, job loss, divorce, etc. There are indeed many types of suffering. In preparation for this weeks Sunday School lesson, I've been reading and rereading the scriptures, and what I've come to believe is that God allows suffering so I will learn just how strong He is, that He is indeed the great I AM, that NOTHING is too big for him, that He will NEVER, ever leave nor forsake me. He certainly doesn't have to prove anything to me, but He has proven His faithfulness over and over and over again to me through this nightmare that began May 5, 1999.
Last night at church, our Women's Ministries had another "Taste of Faith" evening....wonderful food, wonderful fellowship, wonderful music, wonderful testimony. It was a God filled evening, and I know He was smiling down on His girls. I am humbled to be in a faith family that oozes love and generosity. Humbled.
I have had many things stripped away from me because of my injury.....including health insurance. My employer has always paid 100% of my premiums, but quit paying them August 1. That hurt deeply. I felt victimized all over again, wondering just how much I have to pay and give up because I was injured while performing one of my my job duties. This is fresh in my mind, because I need my blood pressure medication, as well as others, and simply do not have the hundreds of dollars they cost. My blood pressure rises just thinking about it. Oh well, it is what it is, and I am now one of countless other Americans without health insurance. Sure, I can buy it, but who has an extra $500 monthly when living on disability?
Yet through it all, I praise Him. My situation could be so much worse. I do have a roof over my head, and I have food in the refrigerator. I have friends, true friends, I have the most incredible children on Earth, I have a Godmom and a Godfamily who love me, I have a church home that is my haven. There isn't enough room to list all my blessings.
I have a dear friend, Rhonda, whose 15 year old son, Cole, has been given less than a year to live, due to a recurrence of his rare cancer. What is right about that? Nothing. It is heart wrenching to look in Rhonda's eyes, and through her strong facade, to see the fear and anxiety that dwells in her soul. Yet, she is praising Him through it all. Could I be so faithful? That's a tall order. I feel guilty for complaining about pain.
I've been told by more than one doctor that this pain will be lifelong. Some days better than others. Today is not a good day, but it's not over, and it may get better. The future is uncertain for me in the employment department. My boss may not have a job for me that accomodates my permanent physical restrictions. Then what? I don't know, but God does.
That's enough of my venting for today, on this, the day that my Lord has made; I WILL rejoice and be glad in it.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Change is in the Air
Well, I've decided to take up blogging. I made a weak attempt at it when I was first home from Cervical Fusion surgery. As most of you who know me are aware, I journal everyday, believing in the magic of the pen. It is as if God Himself is speaking to me through the ink.
So much going on, yet I feel so unproductive lately. I'm on Workmen's Comp Disability still, as I deal with managing and accepting chronic pain. Part of my struggle is anger...as the pain doctor told me that had he seen me shortly after surgery, my pain would have not gotten to the point it has. That point is that pain is always, always present - 24/7, 365. I am on a new medicine, Nucynta, which does help, but a typical day brings with it a pain level of 6. Some days are much worse.
Chronic pain has changed me - it has robbed me of many things that used to bring me joy. Shopping, of which I was an Olympian at, is no longer fun, as just walking around the mall raises my pain level. Jewelry making, which I love, is hard due to looking down and also having to use my right wrist, which was repaired surgically. I have been making some jewelry for a show next week to benefit Cole Jackson, a 15 year old battling for his life against cancer. I've been using my left hand for the tedious part, and that adds to the length of time it takes to create a piece.
I can no longer lift more than 5 pounds - which isn't much. I can't run any longer, do any high impact aerobics like Jazzercise that I once loved, ride roller coasters, etc. The list goes on and on.
Life as I knew and enjoyed it stopped May 5, 1999. I am creating a new life, much like navigating unchartered waters. I have no idea where I'm going.
Yet through it all, there has been so many blessings, too numerous to count, and I don't mean to sound negative. Most importantly, I have never been closer to God. I believe God allows us to suffer so we can realize His strength. He has been my provider, comforter, healer, guider, sounding board, best friend, and proves His faithfulness to me every single day. Thanks be to God for my suffering.
Today is a gift, my next heartbeat is a gift....Thank you, Father for that awareness.
So much going on, yet I feel so unproductive lately. I'm on Workmen's Comp Disability still, as I deal with managing and accepting chronic pain. Part of my struggle is anger...as the pain doctor told me that had he seen me shortly after surgery, my pain would have not gotten to the point it has. That point is that pain is always, always present - 24/7, 365. I am on a new medicine, Nucynta, which does help, but a typical day brings with it a pain level of 6. Some days are much worse.
Chronic pain has changed me - it has robbed me of many things that used to bring me joy. Shopping, of which I was an Olympian at, is no longer fun, as just walking around the mall raises my pain level. Jewelry making, which I love, is hard due to looking down and also having to use my right wrist, which was repaired surgically. I have been making some jewelry for a show next week to benefit Cole Jackson, a 15 year old battling for his life against cancer. I've been using my left hand for the tedious part, and that adds to the length of time it takes to create a piece.
I can no longer lift more than 5 pounds - which isn't much. I can't run any longer, do any high impact aerobics like Jazzercise that I once loved, ride roller coasters, etc. The list goes on and on.
Life as I knew and enjoyed it stopped May 5, 1999. I am creating a new life, much like navigating unchartered waters. I have no idea where I'm going.
Yet through it all, there has been so many blessings, too numerous to count, and I don't mean to sound negative. Most importantly, I have never been closer to God. I believe God allows us to suffer so we can realize His strength. He has been my provider, comforter, healer, guider, sounding board, best friend, and proves His faithfulness to me every single day. Thanks be to God for my suffering.
Today is a gift, my next heartbeat is a gift....Thank you, Father for that awareness.
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